Self-awareness is something I work hard to achieve. It is not easy. Even when my wife asked me last night if my choice was knowledge or Ego…I told her it was knowledge. I had caught over 90 inches in an hour and a half during pre-fishing. I just knew the fish would be there – and I was the guy to do it! But, I just wanted to prove that I was superior…my angling skills (don’t laugh at me – keep it to yourself please) would dominate the half mile stretch on Kentucky Lake. I was bigger than…well, bigger than everything.
She was right…the proverbial “can of whoop ass” that on day one had been Kentucky Lake…the source of my agony – my…hell cannot remember how many now…skunk – became my ego on day two.
May arrogance, my ego – not Freud’s psychological version or definition of self – but that version where I believe myself to be bigger than my abilities (ok, so maybe the Freudian definition with the “you got a big ass ego” name calling kinda way mixed in)…told me that I could win in spite of all I knew to be true. I should have listened to that voice that was giggling when I said I am going back to the same spot instead of that part of me that said I am bigger than myself.
And now, here I sit. Confessing my sins and documenting the humiliation and disappointment in my “self”…aware (more than I care to be at this point)…that I let my butt write a check it couldn’t cash…I went straight back to goose egg launch, pushed my Hobie off the shore (could have been any launch between the dam and I-40)…confessing out loud now so that I can look back at this one day and say…dumb ass…you thought…
That is it; I thought. I thought that my ability was bigger than nature…I didn’t listen to that voice that keeps me from playing in the streets, jumping off of tall buildings on a dare or buying a bedazzler for my jersey….I told it “I got this! Get out of my way and watch this!”.
At 9ish, I moved from that spot with my 15.75 on the board…moving to another spot that the same voice was saying “NO!!!” to….and caught a 14.25. That is all. At least I didn’t skunk two days in a row…I have that going for me…
Now I am more self-aware. Maybe not, but I do have the knowledge that:
- I should listen to Joy more.
- When you feel like it is gonna suck…when they voice says hear me…listen.
- I didn’t win…because, well, sometimes you’re the bug. This weekend…I was the bug….and I flew straight into the windshield on purpose.
I really hope that I remember this – a public service announcement….
….day one = 0. Statistically, when the wind/conditions/water level/lake is the same….
The results will most likely be the same…wait, isn’t that the definition of insanity – doing the same thing and expecting a different result??
Now I have more to look up….peace