or…how to avoid cookie dough…
The beauty of aging is the knowledge gained. I can finally see myself applying lessons that taught me to be, and to do better. It would be a lie to say I learned from everything I should have, but I see a person I could have never imagined at 16 or 26. I am ok with who I am today in spite of all I did to ruin it all.
The life choices I made…especially the excessive (and I mean excessive) amounts of drugs and alcohol I consumed…made many of those lessons hard and uncomfortable, but I do know that without them; I would view the world differently. I type this realizing that some of you have never seen that side of me, but I was not the person you will meet in this chapter of my story. And…those that were there, well…I must confess that I do not always remember the choices I made during that period in my life; but I refuse to live with regrets and must try to move forward.
Despite extensive reading on living now, being a part of the flow and seeing the beauty in every second; which have been an integral part of my growth – there are days. Days where I relive moments, the most uncomfortable moments. In my case usually during an attempt to make sure that I don’t forget someone’s name, or an event that brought happiness, or a drive to somewhere special…or to remember to put on pants before going to the store.
It always happened this time of year for as long as I can remember, but more intense now for some reason…you see, this was always the time of year when I stayed the most wasted, craved the escape only a king size buzz seemed to allow. Yesterday I even gorged on freaking oatmeal cookie dough while telling myself I was hungry…but I was craving that escape from the darkness, that rush and had to admit it out loud. That dough was never going to fill the void, the hunger I have. Fortunately, I am aware enough (finally) and know who I am, so I refuse to ever drink and snort it away, but my doctor is going to say “but your A1C?” in a few weeks. Maybe I should have this talk with him…maybe….well, not for now…
For transparency, I never went into a program for my addictions but I adopted the serenity prayer long before I ever took a drink…I even wrote about where that came from a while back – a happy memory in my life (story here)…so I accept things I cannot change. I also try to remain as the water and flow without resistance; all of the other philosophies about life I have collected into me that now help to define me.
And still, sometimes the memories make me cringe. Just like many do not know, let’s call it “the old me” even though that person is still who I am capable of being…it seems surreal to look over my own shoulder. When one of them crashes through, I can only say “yes, that was who I was before I became me”. I have to accept it and fight to forgive myself. I have done things that no one will forgive me for…because some people are gone….some people are just so distant…some are just still too hurt to allow me to ask. I have where I could, but I know that the real path to quieting the sounds of my past is to forgive myself.
I have never been shy sharing my past because it helps to remind myself why I cannot go shove a few lines in my nose, or drink till I pass out. And part of why I find this type of writing helpful…to find courage to accept things I cannot change…and to keep me from gorging myself with the rest of that damn oatmeal cookie dough in the fridge…or the chocolate chips in the cabinet…shit…there are some caramels downstairs too…
Topwater Moon 